Thursday, May 19 2022

Jokes

VIDEO

Paganini's violin concert performed with facial expressions

The quality engineer and the shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Range-Rover advanced towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd:
-If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?
The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered:
-Sure.
The young man parked his car, whipped out his IPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 120-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says:
-You have exactly 1586 sheep.
-That is correct. As agreed take one of the sheep, said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says:
-If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?
-OK, why not, answered the young man.
-Clearly, you are a quality engineer and you conduct audits, said the shepherd.
-That's correct, says the man, but how did you guess that?
-Easy, answers the shepherd. You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog.
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Lack of communication

A man goes into the shower just as his wife is coming out, when the outside door bell rings.
She wraps a towel around her body, and runs down to see who it is.
It’s Mike, their neighbor.
Before she can say anything, he tells her:
-I will give you $800 immediately if you drop your bath towel.
Quickly thinking on her feet, she decides to drop the towel. He ogles her admiringly, then gives her $800 and leaves. Still shocked, but happy to have made so much money in the blink of an eye, she goes back upstairs. Her husband, who is still under the shower, asks who it was.
-Mike, she says.
-Great. Did he give you the $800 he owes me?
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Gold contract

Near the end of a job interview, the personnel officer and the confident young applicant have the following conversation:
-What salary are you looking for?
-Something in the region of $90,000, depending on the benefits package.
-Well, what would you say to a package of six weeks’ vacation plus 12 paid holidays, full medical and dental expenses paid and a new company car every year?
-Wow! Are you kidding?
-Certainly, but you started it!
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Is Hell  exothermic or endothermic?

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
In answering this question most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Jessica during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true. Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Jessica kept shouting "Oh my God ...!"
This student received the only A.
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Every Wednesday?

A new union leader addresses the crowd at a union meeting. From the podium he starts to speak:
- We have agreed on a new deal with top management. On Monday we rest from the weekend. On Tuesday we get ready for work. On Wednesday we work. On Thursday we rest from Wednesday. On Friday we get ready for the weekend. Are there any questions?
From the back of the crowd a voice asks:
- Will it be like this every Wednesday?
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New manager

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

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Consultant

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time and then keeps the watch!

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Salesman

What is the difference between a project manager and a used car salesman?
The used car salesman always knows when he is lying.

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Rates

A man walked into a management consultant office and inquired about the rates for undertaking an assignment.
-Well, typically we scope, structure and plan the assignment in advance, and charge $50,000 (plus sales tax and expenses) for three questions, replied the consultant.
-Isn't that ridiculously expensive? asked the man.
-Yes, the consultant replied, and what was your third question?

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The frog

A guy was walking through the forest one day when a frog called out to him from the side of the path...
It said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into an enchanting, beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket and continued with his walk.
The frog chimed up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting and beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The guy stopped, took the frog out of his pocket, smiled fondly at it, returned it to his pocket and resumed his walk.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into an enchanting, beautiful princess, I will stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks in exasperation, "What the hell is wrong with you? I've told you I'm an enchanting, beautiful princess; that I'll stay with you and let you do anything you want with me. Why won't you kiss me?"
The guy said, "Look, I'm a consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – How cool is that! "

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A lottery ticket

A very religious man is also extremely poor. He can't support his family at all, and every day he goes to church to pray for God's help winning the lottery. He does this for a long time and people in his congregation start to notice. Finally, the priest himself decides to ask God for help.
-God" he says, look at John. He comes here every day, multiple times a day and asks for your help. And yet you do nothing. Can't you just let him win the lottery?
Suddenly God appears before the priest.
-Look, he replies, I'm ready to help the guy. I've been ready for the last few years. But he's never actually bought a goddamn ticket.
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Date of birth

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Sickness

Personnel manager:
-What made you leave your last job?
Applicant:
-Sickness.
Personnel manager:
-And what was the problem?
Applicant:
-My boss was sick of me!
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The right place

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated:
-This is where your problem is.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
-One chalk mark $1
-Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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The requirements of this job

Employer:
-In this job we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant:
-I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.
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The best boss in the world

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
-Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.
-We're short-handed, Smith, the boss replies. I can't give you the day off.
-Thanks, boss, says Smith, I knew I could count on you!
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